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A lot Has Changed in My Life

A lot Has Changed in My Life

I just finished reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. I am attempting to place on my normal perky, jovial face for the world but inside I am a total mix up.

Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. Several problems in my life caused my misuse of alcohol and the usual reasons such as hereditary factors, and indiscipline does not feature. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.


Strangely, I never drank in high school. My university days was a different scenario with students partying without inhibitions while the school attempts to portray its intellectual capability. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.


I came to understand that the only way for a corpulent young woman to have a sexual relation was to be intoxicated the same way as the boys.


When I look back, I remember one day I woke up in a frat house in Montreal, beside me there is this guy totally naked in bed'.. But I felt relieved because I could've been end up in hospital, got badly injured, or worst I could've been pregnant, but I didn't.


Life went on - I became a registered nurse, received a masters degree and went out with a great companion. We drank wine on weekends when we were together and at times during the week I would buy a bottle for myself.

After that comes a moment when I got married, I got pregnant twice, both I had it when I completely abstained of alcohol. Life progressed, I found myself getting older day by day, the nice guy turned into workaholic husband with anger issues, one of my child turned out got ADHD, I was really stressed out at that time'. I would drank almost everyday, usually on Thursday-Sunday.


My husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of wine'..and shortly a nightly custom to crack one or two'..Privately, I started combining my personal cocktails and having the glass concealed in my baking cupboard.

After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.


Be that as it may, there is more - two years prior I got to be distinctly required in an extremely serious enthusiastic issue with one of my child's companion's fathers. Luckily although I was in a very intense emotional affair with him, it never got physical, maybe a few hugs or being close with him occasionally at sport events, maybe you know the feels because I felt it was romantic, very intense and impacted my life drastically, but still luckily it never got physical I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.


I was more jovial than I had ever been. The affair was getting dangerously near to crossing over the sexual line and he retreated. I have been crushed and lamenting this loss....and the drinking expanded.

Alcohol calmed my frayed nerves.

I am so embarrassed as view back over my life. The inebriated scenes:

  • Being Completely hammered last Christmas at a cocktail party
  • Blind drunk at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Fuming messages on my iPhone
  • Shouting fits in front of my children
  • I threw punches at my husband's face so often
  • An absolute screeching clash one night when my son had a friend spending the night as a guest

Now I am a bit more informed thanks to 'Drink', this platform where got me to know I am not alone and the remedial centre I am presently in, has been an eye opener. I sense like I am heading home.